4338.204.2 | Preparing the Initiation

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The weight of exhaustion was a tangible force as I trudged into the bedroom, each step feeling like I was moving through molasses. The journey from the study to the bed seemed longer than it ever had before, a testament to the physical and mental toll my recent experience had taken on me. Finally reaching the sanctuary of my bed, I collapsed onto it with little grace, the softness of the covers a stark contrast to the extraordinary reality I had just escaped. Face buried in the pillow, I inhaled deeply, the scent of laundry detergent mingling with the unique comfort that only one's own bed can provide.

"Shit!" The expletive slipped out in a whisper, more a reflexive response to the overwhelming swirl of emotions and thoughts than any particular annoyance. My mind, a whirlpool of fatigue and confusion, flickered with images as vivid as they were incomprehensible. Cities that stretched into the sky with architectures defying gravity, faces of people I couldn't recall ever meeting—each flashed before my inner eye, elusive and teasing.

Fumbling with the familiar weight of my dream journal, retrieved from its usual hiding spot, I was struck by a sudden need to capture these fleeting visions before they slipped away into the ether of forgetfulness. The frustration of finding myself without a pen was a minor, yet irritating, setback. The sight of my own bloody fingerprint on the pristine page was a jarring reminder of the reality of my experience, grounding and yet somehow more unsettling than the fantastical images that danced at the edge of my consciousness.

Before I could gather my thoughts enough to seek out a writing instrument, my solitude was shattered by an unexpected, though not unwelcome, intrusion. Duke, with his patchwork fur of brown and white, had somehow sensed my return to the world of the mundane. His attempts to join me on the bed were clumsy but determined, a small drama that played out until he finally succeeded. The sensation of his wet tongue, enthusiastic in its greeting, dragged across my cheek was both startling and oddly comforting.

A nervous laugh escaped me as I reached out to pet him, the absurdity of the situation not lost on me. Here I was, a traveller of worlds, momentarily undone by the simple affection of a dog. The grand visions of unknown cities and the sense of impending adventure that had felt so tangible moments ago faded into the background, leaving behind only the warmth of Duke's presence and a lingering sense of wonder. With a resigned sigh, I acknowledged the ephemeral nature of my visions, the concrete reality of my bedroom, and the reassuring weight of Duke beside me.

Henri's plaintive whines cut through the lingering fog of my thoughts, a reminder of the more immediate, earthbound concerns that awaited my attention. He stood there, a stout little sentinel, his inability to join his brother on the bed not for lack of trying but simply a matter of physics. His short, stubby legs—a comical contrast to his ambition—rendered him incapable of the athletic feats Duke seemed to manage.

"Oh, Henri, you fat little pup, you," I couldn't help but chuckle softly as I leaned over to scoop him up into my arms. The warmth of his compact, densely packed body was a comfort, his weight a solid, reassuring presence against the surreal experience still swirling through my mind. Henri, ever the pragmatist in his doggy world, wasted no time in finding his spot at the foot of the bed. With a decisive snort, he settled down, a living, breathing loaf of contentment, signalling in his unique way that he was now perfectly positioned.

Duke, meanwhile, had claimed a spot much closer, his head resting gently on my stomach, a silent sentinel in his own right. The weight of his head was grounding, a connection to the here and now that I found increasingly precious.

As I lay there with my two loyal companions, my fingers absentmindedly played with the small device that had been the source of so much wonder. It was hard to reconcile the enormity of what it represented with its unremarkable appearance. Here was an object that had the power to alter realities, to transport me to an unknown world, yet it sat in my hand as innocuous as any mundane trinket.

The weight of decision hung heavily in the air as I toyed with the device, turning it over and over, each movement a contemplation of the unknown paths it offered. Its simplicity belied the complexity of the choices it embodied, a physical manifestation of the crossroads at which I found myself.

"Come on, boys," I finally said, a determination settling over me as I gently nudged Duke aside and sat up. The moment of decision had arrived, a threshold beyond which lay paths untrodden and realities unexplored. The words were a summons, not just for Duke and Henri, but for myself as well—a declaration that it was time to face what lay ahead, time to engage with the unknown with all the courage and curiosity I could muster. It was a call to adventure, to the next chapter of a journey that was mine to shape, guided by the silent, watchful companionship of the two dogs who had, in their own way, become my anchors in a reality that had suddenly expanded beyond the confines of the world I had known.


The phone felt heavy in my hand, a tangible link to the normalcy I was trying to claw back into my life. As it rang, each tone seemed to echo the tension winding tighter within me, a countdown to a conversation I both dreaded and needed. When Paul's voice finally broke through, a mix of relief and apprehension washed over me. "Hey, stranger," I found myself saying, a feeble attempt at casualness that belied the turmoil churning inside.

"Hey, you," Paul's reply was like a lifeline, familiar and grounding. His voice, a constant in the fluctuating currents of my life, momentarily eased the sense of being adrift in a sea of uncertainty.

The proposition I laid before him, to fly to Hobart, was met with the expected practical objections. Each of Paul's words—work, money, lack of leave—were logical, reasonable, and utterly infuriating. They were barriers, walls he was unwittingly building at a time when I needed no obstacles between me and a semblance of stability.

I shook my head, a silent gesture of frustration lost in the void between us. The simplicity of his refusal clashed with the complexity of my needs, sparking a desperate strategy. My mind, a loyalist to my cause, conjured the image of Bobby Cat, my childhood companion whose loss had marked my first real acquaintance with grief. The memory was a low blow, even to my own conscience, but desperation cared little for fairness.

As I summoned the memory, the emotional weight of it pressed down, squeezing a genuine tear from the façade I was constructing. "Paul," I began, my voice layered with an ache that was part sorrow, part manipulation. "I need you… I'm having a few… a few issues." The words hung in the air, a baited hook cast into the silence that stretched between us.

The pause that followed was a battleground of wills, my heart pounding a frantic rhythm against my ribcage as I waited for Paul to bridge the gap. The silence was a tangible thing, thick with unspoken questions and the weight of decisions yet to be made. I dared not speak, not trusting myself to maintain the delicate balance of sincerity and deceit I had woven into my plea.

In that moment, the absurdity of the situation wasn't lost on me. There I was, a man who had traversed dimensions, now resorting to emotional blackmail to coax his brother into a visit. The irony was a bitter pill, coated in the sweet hope that Paul might yet say yes. My resolve not to break the silence was a fragile thing, held together by the threadbare conviction that this, somehow, was necessary. The laughter that threatened to burst forth was a pressure valve, a reminder of the many faces of desperation and the lengths to which we go for getting what we want from siblings.

The sound of Paul's laughter crackling through the phone was both infectious and infuriating. It served as a reminder that my foray into melodrama was perhaps more suited to a stage of the absurd rather than a heartfelt plea for companionship. His inability to stifle his amusement at my expense was the final nail in the coffin of my already crumbling act. "Oh, shut up!" I retorted, the irritation fading as quickly as it had arrived, replaced by a reluctant amusement at the situation. The truth was, despite the gravity of what had led me to this moment, the absurdity of our exchange was a welcome reprieve.

As Paul struggled to regain his composure, I couldn't help but rue the impulsiveness of my approach. My brother had always been a master at finding humour in even the most serious of situations, a trait that, under different circumstances, I might have found endearing. Now, it was just another hurdle in the seemingly insurmountable task of getting him to take me seriously.

When he finally managed to ask about the issues I was facing, only to dissolve into laughter once more, I felt a twinge of frustration. The situation was far too real, and the stakes too high, for laughter to be the main response. "I've already bought you plane tickets," I said, a firm edge to my voice, a clear signal that my patience was waning.

Paul's laughter over the phone, though muffled, was a testament to his skepticism. It seemed inconceivable to him that beneath my earlier performance lay a genuine plea for help. "Paul, I'm serious," I insisted, the urgency in my tone unfeigned.

His playful retort was a familiar dance of sibling rivalry, but the patience for it had evaporated. "For fuck's sake, Paul, would you just focus, please!" The sharpness of my snap was a rare break in my usually measured demeanour, a clear sign of the stress that was building beneath the surface.

The moment of silence that followed was charged with a tension that had been absent moments before. "Okay, okay," Paul's voice, now subdued, signalled a shift in the conversation's tone.

"I've sent the e-tickets to your phone,” I relayed the information, an action that felt oddly definitive, like a physical manifestation of the urgency and seriousness of my request. As I waited for him to confirm their receipt, the tapping of my fingers against the desk was a rhythmic echo of my growing anxiety.

"Yeah. Got it," Paul's acknowledgment, finally laced with a hint of sobriety, was a balm to the frayed edges of my patience. "What's going on?" The question, simple yet loaded, hung between us, a bridge to a conversation I hoped would be more productive than our earlier exchanges.

"It's serious, Paul. Jamie and I are having some major issues and I really need a bit of support right now. You know I don't really have anyone else here."

Paul's hesitance was palpable, even through the phone line. His response, understanding yet guarded, highlighted the practical obstacles standing in the way of his immediate support. "I know you don't," he admitted, his voice tinged with regret. "But I really can't afford these tickets, or the break from work."

I knew Paul's financial situation all too well; the memory of past assistance we had provided was a testament to his ongoing struggles. Offering to cover his expenses wasn't just about getting him here; it was an attempt to bridge the gap between necessity and ability, to provide a solution that allowed him to offer support without the burden of financial worry. "You don't need to worry about any of it. I'll cover your expenses. And you don't need to worry about paying me back," I insisted, hoping to alleviate at least one of his concerns.

Paul's reluctance to accept my proposal, seeking instead a simpler solution, was understandable but not feasible. "Are you sure we can't just talk about this over the phone?" he asked, a hint of desperation in his voice.

"I'm sure," I affirmed, my tone leaving no room for doubt. "It'll only be a couple of days, I promise."

The silence that followed, filled only by Paul's deep breathing, was tense, a pause in which the full weight of my request—and his impending decision—seemed to hang in the balance. Finally, his acquiescence broke through, a reluctant agreement that carried with it the weight of sacrifice. "Fine," he said, his voice a mixture of resignation and resolve. "I'll leave Broken Hill in an hour or so and drive to Adelaide."

My gratitude was immediate and profound. "Thank you so much," I responded, pouring as much sincerity into my words as I could muster. "I'll see you tomorrow then," I added quickly, eager to solidify the plan before doubt could creep back into his mind. Hanging up the phone felt like closing the deal, a necessary step to prevent any second-guessing on his part.


As I shifted my focus back to the digital chaos of my computer screen, the task at hand felt almost mundane in comparison to the whirlwind of events and emotions I had been navigating. My habit of keeping multiple tabs open, a digital manifestation of my scatterbrained tendencies, suddenly seemed trivial yet oddly grounding. It was a reminder of normalcy, of the everyday tasks that continued despite the upheaval in my personal life.

But then, amidst the routine of closing each tab, my attention was hijacked by an advertisement that seemed to leap out from the screen—a large, rectangular ten-person tent that promised more than just shelter. The image of the tent, with its two roomy compartments flanking a generous living area and an inviting front awning, sparked a vision of potential, of safety and comfort. This is perfect, I thought to myself, the idea taking root with unexpected force. It will easily provide enough shelter for the two of them.

Acting on impulse, I initiated the purchase, the process of entering delivery details and navigating to the payment section a familiar dance beneath my fingers. However, when the offer for next-day delivery appeared, it was the promise of immediacy that clinched my decision. With a flourish, I entered my credit card details, a part of me detachedly observing the recklessness of the gesture, another part driven by a need to do something, anything, to make right tomorrow’s intentions.

The agonising wait as the transaction processed was a test of patience I hadn't anticipated, each passing second a tightening coil of anxiety. When the error message flashed—a stark, accusing red against the backdrop of my intentions—it was a moment of sheer frustration. "Crap!" The exclamation was a burst of pent-up tension, the realisation of a mistake made in haste. The resolution, a simple adjustment to allow pop-ups, brought with it a wave of relief so palpable it was almost physical.

The confirmation of the order, finally going through, was a moment of triumph and disbelief. "Oh my God!" The words were a spontaneous eruption of emotion, an acknowledgment of the absurdity and the expense of the purchase. Duke, ever the silent confidant, offered a grounding presence as I voiced my astonishment to the room at large. "I can't believe I just spent two thousand dollars on a bloody tent!”

The grin that split my face was one of joy tinged with madness, a reflection of the lengths to which I was willing to go, the financial and emotional investments I was prepared to make, to ensure the well-being of those I cared about. It was a moment of unadulterated commitment, a pledge made not just in dollars but in the very act of choosing hope and action. As I sat there, smiling at the absurdity of it all, I felt a surge of determination, a readiness to share, fortified by the knowledge that I had taken a tangible step towards providing shelter in Clivilius.


Holding my phone, the anticipation of Jamie's answer twisted in my gut, a knot of anxiety and hope mingling uncomfortably. When the call finally connected, the relief was palpable, yet fleeting. "Hey," Jamie's voice came through.

"Hi. Sorry I missed your call before,” I offered.

"That's okay," Jamie replied, the brevity of the response a reminder of the complexities that lay beneath our conversation.

"What did you want? Will you be home soon?" I ventured further, seeking some semblance of normalcy, a return to the routines that had once defined our daily lives. Yet, the hesitation in Jamie's answer, the drawn-out "Ahh..." spoke volumes, a prelude to news that would once again postpone our reunion.

My brow furrowed. I could tell that Jamie was distracted. "Jamie? You still there?"

"Mr Gangley has had another fall. I'm going to be home late tonight."

"Okay. Any idea what time?" I asked, clinging to the hope of a specific time, a definitive moment when the distance between us would finally close.

"No. It's one of those annoying semi-bad but not bad enough to call an ambulance incidents. Don't wait up for me." Jamie's words, practical yet distant, felt like a dismissal, a postponement not just of his return but of the opportunity to mend the fraying edges of our connection.

"Alright, I won't. Love you," I said, the words slipping out almost habitually, a testament to the depth of my feelings, undimmed by the trials we faced. Yet, the absence of reciprocation, the brief "Okay. Gotta run. Bye," left a hollow echo in its wake.

Hanging up, I was enveloped by a profound sense of solitude, a realisation that the emotional distance between Jamie and me had grown into a chasm. The tent, an impulsive gesture born of a desire to protect and provide, now seemed like a symbol of my desperation to reconnect, to find solid ground in the shifting sands of our relationship.

As I pondered the timing of revealing my journey to Clivilius, doubt clouded my judgment. The state of our relationship, once a source of strength, now posed a question with no easy answers. Would the revelation bring us closer, a shared adventure to reignite the spark that once burned so brightly? Or would it serve only to drive a deeper wedge between us, a fantastical tale too far removed from the reality of our drifting paths?

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