Chapter 24: Memories

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Kendra slept uneasily, shifting in her makeshift bed tucked away in a corner of the ruins. The pink light of early morning filtered in through the cracks in the stone ceiling, casting shadows across the floor. She sat up and brushed the sand from her clothes. The sensation in her fingertips was deadened, and her feet tingled with diffuse pain. When she pressed her hand to her stomach, it came away covered in dust and chips of clay.

She crept to the fuel room and found it deserted. Crouching over the vat of viscous liquid, she downed handfuls of the fuel and then poured more onto her abdomen. The deep gouges knitted together, but the hairline fractures remained, forming spiderwebs across her body and snaking up her neck and across her face.

As she stared into the surface of the liquid, it was hard to avert her gaze. Her hair hung in her face, limp and dirty, and dusty chips fell from the place hidden in her hair where the machines had repaired her skull. Her eyes were sunken, surrounded by lines worn deep into her cracking skin. The fuel wouldn’t sustain her, and even now her body was failing to heal. Her chest constricted, and the air was thick, as though the room were a tomb, and she was sealed inside. Kendra pulled herself away from the pool.

There was something else, a presence in the room. It wasn’t Aster, no, but in the corner there was a small patch of crystals growing from the wall. She held her palm over them and felt a dread that did not belong to her, and as she touched the glassy surface of the crystals, Seph’s memories bled into her mind. It was disorienting to be dropped into his memories, and yet comforting to have a brief respite from her situation.

Seph walked through a busy college town with a pit in his stomach. Rivers of students flooded the streets, and people zoomed by on small scooters. Anxiety buzzed in his chest, and he fidgeted with the strap of his messenger bag as he dragged himself up the stairs and into a lab. He made a beeline for a cramped office in the back. Heaving a sigh, he sat in an old office chair and rested his head on the pile of papers strewn about his desk.

“Oh my god, what is wrong with me?” he said to himself. “I am a professional researcher who had his own lab, for goodness’ sake. Why is this so hard? I’ve got to start those experiments today. It’ll be fine—it’ll be fine.”

The memory skipped forward, and he was working at a bench in the lab, trying to mind his business, when voices rang out in the break room.

“I wouldn’t pay too much attention to that lab’s data. Their work is barely science,” said a woman.

“What do you mean it isn’t science?” a man asked.

“That lab has no true academic affiliation. It’s a mobile lab on a research vessel,” the woman said with obvious disdain.

“Some research vessels have academic affiliations, though. Like the one Seph worked on.”

“That vessel was an anomaly, both for their academic affiliation and the surprising quality of their research,” she said.

The dread in his gut turned to irritation, and Seph popped his head into the break room. “Research vessels with academic affiliations are becoming a lot more common,” he said. “And for the record, even on vessels that aren’t tied to a specific university, many researchers themselves have academic affiliations.”

The woman stood and shrugged. “And yet the research quality still isn’t there in many of those environments. I have a few examples I could send you.” She paused and then sighed loudly. “I have a meeting to get to. I expect I’ll be in the lab late to make up for lost time.”

Then she was gone, and Seph tried to keep the scowl off his face in front of Bria’s grad students.

“Well, that was fun,” the man said as he rolled his eyes.

“How did that get started, Marc?” Seph asked with a wave of his hand.

“She came with me and Iditri to our seminar. Made comments through the entire presentation and asked a bunch of questions at the end, all because the visiting professor didn’t come from a traditional terrestrial lab,” Marc said.

Iditri looked up at him, worry on her face. “She keeps making comments about how she hasn’t seen us in the lab on the weekends.”

Seph held his hands up. “Okay, you do not need to camp out in the lab all weekend for show. That’s ridiculous.”

“Yeah, I didn’t really think that,” she said, still looking perturbed.

Then the lab faded away, and the memory skipped forward again to Seph standing in Bria’s office.

He shook his head in frustration. “Come on, Bria. You have got to say something to her. She’s making your students miserable with all her absurd comments.”

Bria crossed her arms, her expression standoffish. “I can’t tell her what to do. Besides, she won’t be here for that much longer.”

“It doesn’t matter how long she’ll be here. That kind of miasma bleeds into the whole lab, and it hits the younger graduate students worse because they’re still learning what a professional research environment is like.” He jabbed his finger at the door to the lab. “Even after she’s gone, your other students are going to remember all that garbage she spewed.”

“You can talk to her.”

“She won’t listen to me because I’m not tenure-track,” Seph said, rolling his eyes. “It has to be you. You have to tell her that those comments aren’t welcome in the lab.”

The memory ended, and Kendra blinked into the gloom of the fuel room once again. The crystals beneath her fingers turned to dust, falling slowly to the floor. Residual frustration from Seph’s conversation lingered in her chest, and she suspected Bria hadn’t intervened the way he had hoped.

Her hands hovered over another cluster of crystals, this one smaller but glowing with soft light. She touched it and heard an echo of Bria’s voice. There was anxiety in it, bubbling right below the surface, but her memories felt different from Seph’s. She touched the crystals and allowed the memories into her mind.

Bria sat across from a woman with dark hair worn in a bob and gray around her temples. Her eyes crinkled as she smiled.

“I’m so glad you let me drag you away from your desk today,” she said. “Especially since congratulations are in order. Brilliant work securing the funding for your expedition; I know you’ll find something amazing out there.”

“Thank you, Isabelle, really,” Bria said. She stared down into her cappuccino, swirling her drink in her cup. “Admittedly, I’m apprehensive about being away from my students.”

“They’re headed to a site on Aristida, aren’t they? A safe place by all metrics.” Isabelle smiled. “Your students are competent and independent, and I’m sure that they will do splendidly on their own. Give them some opportunity to spread their wings.”

“You’re right.” Bria folded her hands in front of her and searched Isabelle’s face. “Communication may be spotty there, and I want to keep in touch with you as well. I know you have a lot on your plate in the coming months.”

“This expedition is an amazing opportunity for you, and much as I would love to hear from you, I completely understand that regular communication may not be possible.” Isabelle regarded her with a mischievous glint in her eyes. “If you miss my rambling, you can always have a look at the draft of the manuscript I’ve been working on.”

“The serotonin book?”

She nodded. “I will send you a copy before you leave, in case you need something to help you fall asleep while on your expedition,” Isabelle said. “You know, I have half a mind to dedicate it to you.”

Her gaze was soft and kind, and Bria looked away, opting to stare down at her own hands instead. “That’s very nice of you to consider.”

The memory faded, leaving Kendra alone again in the small room with the caretakers’ fuel. The crystals disintegrated beneath her fingers, leaving the wall smooth, with no trace they had ever been there. She left, returning to the sprawling cavern with its dusty ruins. The sun beamed down, lighting up her face.

A caretaker emerged from the vents and flew towards her with a chirp. It was the dented one, and it trilled as it bumped her legs affectionately. She reached down and ran her hand over its smooth outer shell. “Hello there, you,” she said. Another machine approached, blinking its lights at them, and she waved to it as well.

Then there was a rush of air as Aster rose through the floor below. He regarded the machines. “Oh, I did not realize they were here.”

The second machine blinked its lights at him, and Kendra held her hand out to it. “Stop it—leave him alone.” But the machine was undeterred and flailed its long arms at him.

He shook his head in exasperation and flicked his finger at the machine. It blinked its lights indignantly as an invisible force lightly pushed it away from him.

Kendra gestured with a tilt of her head, and they walked in the opposite direction. Aster fidgeted with his hands, rubbing them together. His body looked more solid than she had ever seen it.

“Hello Kendra,” he said. “If I may, I wanted to say I am sorry about how things turned out and am rather embarrassed by my outburst. I regret that I made things about me.”

Kendra breathed out softly. “I’m sorry for what I said, too, Aster. I recognize that we are both in enough pain without adding to each other’s.”

“How are you feeling now?”

“I don’t know.” She kicked at the rocks on the ground, sending them clattering across the floor. “I can see where my body is already failing.” Kendra shook her head. “I need to gather my thoughts if I’m going to do anything about my situation. How are you holding up?”

Aster leaned against the wall of the cavern, his eyes downcast and expression contemplative. “When I first landed here, I thought I might use this as a time of rest and study.”

“A bit of a sabbatical,” Kendra said.

“Indeed. I thought my stay here might be peaceful, despite the poor circumstances. That has not been the case,” he said. “When I realized the power source I had sensed wasn’t something that could help me, but rather technology incompatible with mine, it was devastating. Worse yet, the machines reacted … poorly to my presence, and it was another reminder that I wasn’t meant to be here.”

For a moment, Aster leaned nearer as though he might touch her, but he drew back. “I wish I could help you. I admire how you’ve tried to apply your science to your problem.”

Kendra scoffed. “I threw myself into research because I didn’t know how to deal with what happened to me.”

“Who could? At least you sought understanding in a different way. I succumbed to my isolation and fell into sleep.”

She frowned at him, arching an eyebrow. “After learning several languages and practicing how to interact with physical space. Don’t negate that.”

He clasped his hands under his chin. “I mean to say that you’ve done much for me through your example, and I want to do something in return if I can.”

“I would be glad for your help, but don’t put pressure on yourself,” Kendra said. “There’s a real chance that I’m not making it out of here.”

Aster met her gaze with a serious expression and nodded. “I can promise to be here for you no matter what happens. But I will do everything in my power to help you.”

Kendra nodded and managed a small smile.

 

 

The next day, she set out in the rover with no destination, only to leave the ruins. While Antony had surveyed the surrounding cliffs and desert, she had seen little of it for herself. She drove east toward a tall hill set apart from the rest of the cliffs. As she put distance between herself and the ruins, she glanced back, where something high on the plateau caught her eye.

Aster was there, a shadow glinting with purple light. He flew across the top of the cliff, building speed until he launched himself into the air. He made it about twenty feet before falling back down. Then he reared back and did it again, jumping and falling. She recalled a conversation with him—he had said he could draw more energy above the atmosphere, hadn’t he? He was nowhere near flying through the atmosphere, but he was trying.

Kendra turned to the path ahead of her. The wind blew through her hair, and she breathed in deep, filling her lungs with fresh air.

Gradually, the sand became rock and gravel that crunched beneath the rover’s wheels. Atop the hill, she scanned the horizon for a dark stretch of land where the desert gave way to something different, something greener. Low shrubs populated the ground beside tall rock formations. She drove toward them. They rose from the ground in whitish rounded columns, full of holes and bumps. Kendra ran her hand over one of them, closing her eyes and feeling the cool, rough stone.

Behind her, the light shifted, and she turned to see Aster crossing the sand, a shadow flying low across the desert, kicking up a trail of dust. His feet touched the ground with a soft crunch as he coalesced into bodily form.

“I was surprised to find anything growing out here,” Kendra said. “But even these rock formations have lichens on them.”

“Are lichens a type of plant?” he asked.

“Not exactly. They’re a composite organism, often algae growing among fungi. They can survive harsh conditions.” She huffed. “It’s a bit of a relief to see anything alive out here.”

Aster drew nearer to the tiny green and yellow spots dotting the rock, brushing his fingers against them. “I understand. Though the desert is beautiful in its own way, it is also oppressive.”

She considered him for a moment and raised her eyebrows at him. “I’m surprised to see you out here. You were fast crossing the desert to get here this quickly.”

“I regained some energy,” he said. “Moreover, there is something I wanted to discuss with you.”

He paused, folding his hands under his chin, and Kendra nodded to him to continue.

“I was able to activate my ship and access the database, albeit briefly. I believe that some of the ship’s medical technology is intact,” he said.

“It powered up? That’s fantastic,” she said. “Does that mean that the ship can help you?”

His face fell. “I’m afraid it cannot. I can’t draw energy from the ship when it has so little of its own. But there’s something more important: the ship may have certain technology meant for use by physical beings. I will do everything in my power to make it accessible to you.”

Kendra’s eyes widened. “What kind of technology would that be? Surely not medical.”

“I would not assume the ship has standard medicine suited to your body, no. And yet, I do not understand the extent of what the ship can do, so I will hope that something may help,” Aster said.

“From what you’ve told me, your ship can do amazing things. Traveling through dimensions and physical matter. Changing its appearance.” She brushed the dust from her hands, ignoring the cracks in her skin. “I admit I envy your ability to change your form. To travel the universe.”

He drummed his fingers along the side of a tall white rock, and a wistful expression passed across his face. “Goodness knows I miss traveling. Others like me could travel freely through corporeal and incorporeal worlds, even maintaining convincing physical bodies.” Aster snorted to himself. “For a time, I felt there was more to see in the incorporeal planes, so I saw little point in venturing into physical reality. Which sounds petulant in addition to being entirely wrong.”

“How common is it among your people to travel through physical worlds?” Kendra asked.

“Not uncommon. But I don’t know others’ experience with assuming a physical form,” Aster said. “Obviously it’s practical, if one wishes to communicate or experience something of other physical experiences. I understand food to be a major component of tourism for you.”

Kendra laughed. “You’re right about that. My god, I miss eating real food. Almost anything beats drinking oily fuel out of a vat on the floor.”

“I can extrapolate based on our versions of sensory experience, but I’m afraid there’s a lot I don’t know.” Aster held his hands up to the light. “Even now, I am unsure how things are meant to be experienced in a physical form. Sensory perception. Emotions. My emotions already seem too great for my body in my normal state. In some ways, a true physical body sounds stifling.”

He blanched, realizing what he said and sputtered. “I apologize—that sounded disparaging of your experience, and I don’t want to make you feel worse, given the circumstances.”

“I understand where you’re coming from,” Kendra said. “Often, I’ve felt stifled by my body. Sometimes bodies don’t work the way you want—sometimes they fight you, make it harder to change the things you want to change. Still, there are wonderful things as well. Touch, and warmth, and eating good meals.”

She paused as they stopped at the top of a shallow incline and turned back to look over the field of rock formations below. The breeze ruffled Aster’s hair, and his eyes sparkled as the light hit them.

“Can we link our minds?” Kendra asked.

He nodded, and they sat on a long white rock that was half buried in the ground. He angled himself toward her, holding up his palms. She did the same, interlacing her fingers with his. Shapes and patterns moved over the darkness behind her eyelids. Then, there was a gentle touch at the edge of her mind, like a tap on the shoulder.

“Yes? You can come in,” she said in her mind.

After a slight push, the threads of his consciousness spread out into her mind. As the connection solidified, she did the same, extending her mind into his.

“Is this alright?” he asked mentally.

“It is. Feels different from before.”

“Previously, my intent was to use only a surface level connection,” Aster said. “This is deeper, so we may exchange more sensations and emotions, as you mentioned. What would you like to share?”

“I want you to experience something of food,” Kendra thought. She imagined a scene as she arrived at her parents’ home, coming to visit after an expedition. As she stepped into the house, cooking filled the air with rich and savory aromas: freshly ground spices, vegetables roasting, and hearty stew simmering in a pot.

The door creaked as Kendra stepped into the kitchen, and her parents turned to her, eyes crinkling as they smiled and ushered her to the table. Her mom set a bowl of stew in front of her, a peppery roast in a rich sauce. Then her father set a plate of roasted carrots beside her. They were glazed in honey and served over a bed of delicious lentils.

She let the memory fade into the next morning, when she woke early and left the house with a wicker basket to pick fresh berries and fruits. She ate them as they went. They were sweet and tart and juicy. When she returned home, she blended them with a salty sweet cheese and milk. The drink was delicious, so satisfying and tangy.

“Goodness,” Aster said. “This is amazing.”

“It’s pretty wonderful, isn’t it?” She smiled to herself. “That was one of my favorite drinks. I brought a powdered version of it with me on expeditions.” She conjured the memory of mixing the tart and sugary powder into the water. For a moment, she was drinking it again, she and Antony sitting in the living area the night they had reached the research station. “It always reminded me of home. And of meeting my husband.”

The memory shifted, and a busy coffee shop appeared. She reached for her wallet as she approached the glass counter filled with dozens of buttery pastries, but her wallet wasn’t there. A tall, broad man with a warm smile offered to buy her drink. Struck by his mess of curly red hair and deep laugh, she sat down with him.

“You and he later moved to a home on the edge of a forest, did you not?” Aster asked. “I would like to see the trees, if you do not mind.”

“Of course I don’t mind,” she said. Then she was in the forest, running her hand over the gnarled trunk of a tree. The aroma of lilacs filled the air, and as she walked toward the lake, the cattails swayed in the warm breeze. Cicadas droned in the forest, and Kendra watched the light shift as it filtered down through the canopy. Aster’s fascination was palpable.

“If only I had come to a planet with a forest, I feel my mind may have stayed in better shape,” he said. “Your memories are strong and distinct, and yet not overwhelming. Would you show me how the world outside looks to you?”

Kendra slowly opened her eyes. The sun was bright, warming her hair and skin. She met Aster’s gaze and then looked to the stone columns below and out to the horizon, where the sky was tinged with pink. The moons hung in the sky, and above them, the brightest stars were visible even in the day. Wind blew across the sand, pushing small rocks across the desert.

“Thank you, Kendra,” Aster said, and the link faded as he let go of her hands. “Since I have been here, I have found this world, the physical world, harsh and unwelcoming. It is heartening to see how much more there is.”

“I am glad I was able to share those memories with you,” she said. Kendra stood. “I want to help you fix your ship in any way that I can.”

Aster rose and followed her as they returned to the rover. “I know we both face steep odds, and yet, with your help, I dare to hope that we will both leave this place.”

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