Jonas swayed in his saddle and sang incoherently as they made their way from Osurnu. His condition meant they couldn't travel faster than a walk. Aris fumed, but there was little he could do, and the tired horses and riders weren't in any mood to complain about the easy pace. Llew took the chance to doze in her saddle.

“Everyone I ever gave a damn about is dead. Except Aris, but I guess it's only a matter of time. I've tried not to, but my heart has condemned you to death.”

Llew stared at Jonas's drunken, flailing arms and unsteady seat. He wasn't even looking at her and seemed to speak to the Aghacian landscape at large. And then he began singing again. He sang of heartbreak; he sang a happy drinking song that steadily grew less and less understandable; then he began to snore.

They stopped to eat around noon, and Alvaro, Cassidy and Llew helped the unsteady Jonas from his saddle, hoping that food might sober him up. He sat at his horse's feet rocking and singing under his breath while rations were divided.

“What's he had?” Aris asked Llew as she collected food for both herself and Jonas.

She shrugged. “Whatever he filled his little bottle with.”

Aris looked at Jonas with disappointment and then his jaw clenched in suppressed anger. “He's not much good to us like that, is he?”

Llew shrugged again and returned to offer Jonas some sobering bread.

“You're really pretty, Llew, you know that?”

She smiled at him and held out some bread they'd picked up in Osurnu.

“Of course you do, cause Al's been smitten since he saw you naked.”

She looked at Alvaro. He was busily taking in their surroundings as he ate his rations, but by the color of his ears, he had heard.

“Llewella,” Jonas whispered. She loved to hear him say it. No one had called her by her full name since she was a child. But it wasn't a child's name. It was a woman's name.

“You're nice, too. That's why I like you. And funny. Can't forget funny. And when you died, it was like losin' my best friend.” He looked around conspiratorially and leaned closer. “Shh. Don't tell Hisham.”

“Who?”

But he continued on, oblivious to all. “But then you lived, and I hated you for it. How could you be one of them, Llew?” His eyes pleaded with her and Llew found herself wanting to apologize. “Then you saved Cassidy. Hooray.” He gave a goofy smile and leaned in again. “That was amazin'. It really was.” He almost sounded sober for a moment. “But then that girl.” He looked pained, sick. “That's why we kill you. Too dangerous. Children dying. So many children. So much destruction...” He stared at her. “I'm drunk and I'm talking nonsense,” he said, looking sorry for himself. But it passed and he stuffed his mouth with bread.

Llew struggled to eat her own chunk, chewing each tiny nibble till it was moist enough to swallow. Her mouth was dry. He should have killed her back in Stelt. She was too dangerous.

Barely half a mile down the road they were forced to a stop by Jonas's need to bring his lunch back up. Llew crouched by him while he knelt at the side of the road, vomiting and proclaiming his apologies to everyone.

The rest of the afternoon's ride was slow and silent as Jonas mostly slept in his saddle. They stopped for the night at the first town they reached – Benton: Population 378 – spending the night in a very small hotel with just the two rooms that the group needed: Emylia and Anya in one, Aris, Llew and the boys in the other. By the time they were settling for bed, Jonas was almost sober, but poorly. He didn't say much and looked very sorry for himself.

Llew lay awake for some time pondering her options. Jonas's brother – half-brother, she corrected herself – wanted her for some reason. Turhmos wanted her for some other reason, or possibly the same, she didn't really know. Aris wanted to take her back to Quaver, and it wasn't just to keep her safe, it was to have something that Turhmos wanted. Something. It bothered her to be thought of as a commodity, but that was exactly how all these people were thinking of her. What about what she wanted?

The best option seemed Quaver. At least that way she would have Jonas and Aris. Wouldn't she?

But what if they just handed her over to some Quaven authorities? Wouldn't she then be just as much a captive as if Braph or Turhmos caught her? And if she somehow managed to stay free, something she struggled to see happening, how was she going to stop herself from killing anyone else? Perhaps she really was better off dead. In captivity or in hiding didn't seem like much of a choice.

She drifted to sleep still unable to picture the life she wanted as a viable option in her future.

Jonas groaned into his pillow when Aris tried to rouse him the following morning.

“Learned your lesson?” Aris asked, standing over the cocoon of blankets.

“Not yet,” said Jonas's muffled voice.

“Well then, you're in charge of getting the horses groomed and fed their morning ration. Get up.”

“You're a cruel master.” Jonas pulled his head up off the pillow and squinted at Aris.

“And you're a poor lieutenant. Did you really think whisky would make it all better?”

“No. But there weren't nothin' to smash I wouldn't feel guilty about later.”

“That tree took a hammering,” said Llew, sitting on the edge of her bed and pulling on her shoes.

“Don't you start.”

“Get up. You've got work to do.” Aris slapped Jonas's bedding, getting an exaggerated “Oof!” out of its inhabitant.

Cassidy and Alvaro were drowsily stirring from their sleep, looking not a whole lot better than Jonas. Nor did Llew feel energized. She wanted more sleep. She wanted to sleep in her little hovel by the bank of Cheer's Big River where she was rarely bothered by anyone, didn't have the guilt of having killed anyone, and only had to worry about catching enough fish for dinner.

Jonas swiveled out of his bed, sitting on the edge in just his long-johns, and started rubbing his hands over his face. The scratching of skin brushing across his whiskers sent a shudder through Llew. It was an odd noise, all at once both irritating and strangely stimulating. She both loved the manliness of it and swallowed her revulsion at memories of faces and bodies too close and too strong.

Hands still covering his face, Jonas peered between his fingers at Llew.

“Oh, shit.” His eyes grew wide. “What did I say yesterday? No, don't tell me.” He closed his eyes and began massaging his temples. “Whatever it was, I didn't mean it.”

“I'd be more worried about what you did to the poor tree.”

Jonas stood up, pulling his trousers on. He looked down at her as he buckled his belt, his lips drawn thin and firm.

“It's alright. You didn't offend me none,” she said.

He kept looking at her as he pulled on and buttoned his shirt, and she suspected that he did remember some of the things he had said.

“That's good. I—” He looked away to gather his vest full of knives, and ran one hand down the length of his face, again making the rasping sound that excited and repulsed all at once. “I wouldn't want to offend you.”

He left the room to do his duty in the stable, leaving Llew to stare at the slowly closing door. He might not have wanted to offend her, but had he wanted to say all that he'd said? She doubted it. And what hadn't he meant – that he would just as happily kill her as have her cause more damage, or that he thought she was pretty? She knew which was easier to believe; no one had called her pretty since before her teen years. They'd said You're a girl and I'm a boy, and you're here and I'm here, let's do this thing, never I think you're pretty... They said that to girls like Anya. It had been nice to hear, but it was time to brush it aside. They had another long day ahead of them and the gods only knew what trouble lay in wait or followed close behind.

“What did he say to you yesterday, Llew?” Alvaro asked, still in his blankets.

“Nothing you need concern yourself with.” She left the room, heading downstairs for a fresh, cooked breakfast of eggs and bacon.

Jonas looked a bit green when he came back inside to see them all eating, but he joined them and, after a few tentative pickings, was soon looking much brighter, going on to eat a decent feed. Breakfast was quiet, and Llew wondered what each of them was thinking. They'd been too busy dealing with Jonas's reaction to the news of the dead girl to discuss it as a group and still no one dared bring it up. She hadn't given herself the space to think about it, being too caught up in Jonas's emotions and comments regarding her appeal.

She hated herself for that. A child was dead, essentially at Llew's hands, and all she could think about was that Jonas had said she was pretty.***The morose feeling continued throughout the morning's ride. There had been no further sign of Braph, but Aris was convinced he wasn't far behind them. Neither he nor Jonas knew why Braph was holding back from further attempts to capture Llew, and they could only speculate that Jonas's Syakaran power was enough of a threat to make him hesitate. But hesitation wasn't abandonment.

“Hey, Llew,” Anya said in a sing-song voice, as she refilled her canteen from a stream at lunch time. Llew acknowledged the other girl with a nod and Anya heaved a sigh. “I can't wait for this trip to be over,” she went on, pulling off her shoes and stretching her toes. “I mean, I love seeing Aghacia, I really do, but I can't wait to see Rakun. And meet Gaemil.”

“You're marrying a man you've never met?”

“We've been writing to each other for over a year, now. So, I know him pretty well.”

Llew found it hard enough to like men she knew, how could Anya love someone she'd never met? “Have you seen his likeness?”

“No. But what does that matter? He's lovely, Llew. He's the Earl of Rakun, and he tells me all the trials and tribulations of managing an entire region. The lands he commands cover the middle third of all of Rakun – in other words, they're huge.” She smiled. “He truly loves Rakun and its settlements and is always striving to do more for his people, ensuring they have food to eat, roofs over their heads, and enough work for everyone. Do you know, Rakun has the largest number of civil celebrations of any city in the New World? Gaemil's grandfather started the work towards that. Rakun, and its wider region, is the most productive region in Brurun. He has a real passion for people, Llew. He says he loves to see them strive, and he loves to see them rewarded.” Anya's eyes sparkled. “It seems a rare gift.”

“Has he seen a picture of you?”

“Of course. And he liked what he saw.”

“And you've never even been tempted...?” Llew looked over her shoulder, paying particular attention to Cassidy, who was finishing off his lunch. Cassidy, who liked what he saw when he looked at Anya but knew he couldn't have her and just accepted the fact. It seemed unfair to Llew. She used to believe it was all about love, when she was much younger. She had little doubt her father had loved her mother – and it had driven him to ruin. Perhaps this marrying for other reasons wasn't so bad.

Anya laughed, following Llew's gaze. “Of course, I find Alvaro and Cassidy attractive. Just look at them. But there is more to a man than how he looks. What about Jonas? He's covered in scars, and that black tattoo!” She spoke with distaste. “On top of that he's angry all the time. But you still like him.” Llew felt her cheeks color and Anya beamed. “Love is a many-pronged star. Its light hits each of us from a different angle, but it all comes from the same place. It's still love. How did you like wearing the dress?” She changed topic without drawing breath.

Llew was caught off guard, her thoughts flying from a desire to defend Jonas's appearance to denying being in love with him; she liked him well enough, but love seemed like nothing but trouble.

“Uh, it was nice?”

“You looked lovely.” Suddenly Anya looked stricken. “Not that you don't always look lovely, just—” She caught herself. “I wouldn't mind wearing more practical clothes myself, at times. But I do love a pair of pretty shoes.” She pulled her plain shoes back on. “Gaemil has promised me a pair of shoes for each day of the year. Isn't that lovely?” She beamed and, without awaiting a reply, got up to return to the carriage.

They were in the heart of the Aghacian plains now. Flat grassland spread out for miles in all directions. The Aghacian Alps looked close enough to reach within a few hours, but in reality were two long days' ride away. The air was crisp and clear, and the chill swooped straight down off the mountains, across the plains, and whipped around the riders and their horses, and they rode with jackets firmly buttoned.

“What happens to me if I go back to Quaver with you?” Llew asked Aris across their campfire as they ate a meal of jerky and bread that night. A couple of nights of indulgence did little to improve the meal's appeal, but they'd stopped too late for Llew to fish.

“We'd keep you safe, of course.”

“How?”

Aris looked taken aback for a moment, then pondered his answer. “Well, I suppose we'd have to keep you in custody.”

“Custody. Like a gaol?”

“No. Not a gaol. Maybe at an army fort, but not... not a gaol.”

“So, Quaver wants me to 'keep me safe', and Braph wants me for my blood. What does Turhmos want me for? To fight for their army?”

Jonas choked on a laugh and Llew glared at him. “I can fight.”

“You throw a letter opener mighty fine. But there's a difference between a back-road scuffle and a battlefield.”

“What do they want with me, if not to fight?” She turned back to Aris.

“They want your sons,” said Aris.

“My— But I don't— ew!” Llew had never taken the time to consider having children, but the thought now thrust itself into her brain. She didn't like it. Especially not in an unknown country under some sort of marital arrangement. Or martial, for that matter.

“Couldn't have said it better myself,” Jonas cracked a small smile.

“I don't know what you're laughing at. It's not like Aris's plans for you are any different. Sorry, Aris, but they're not.” The thought had been bothering her since Osurnu when Aris had confirmed his desire to find Jonas a Syakaran wife. “How did Jonas meet his wife?”

“Don't you talk about her!” Jonas sprung to his feet, but Aris grabbed his wrist. He was breathing heavily, and in the darkness Llew could not make out his expression.

“I think that's enough.” Emylia spoke quietly.

“Sit down, Jonas,” Aris said.

“I've lost my appetite.” 

“Well, let's get some sleep, then. I'd like to get on the road early,” Aris said, standing up. The others followed suit. “One thing we do want to do is get some distance between us and that mess back there.”

“What was her name?”

Llew walked up behind Jonas as he laid out his bedroll before taking his turn on watch. He paused but didn't stand or look up at her. She was left looking down at his back, the moon's silver glow sliding over the leather knife-vest.

“I'm sorry. But it upset me to think you might not have had a choice—”

In a second, he was up and in her face. “I loved my wife. That was a choice, and I made it every day.”

“Okay.”

“Let her alone.”

Llew hadn't heard Alvaro approach. Jonas pushed past her to take his post.

“You alright, Llew?” Alvaro squeezed her shoulder.

“He didn't do anything.”

“It was a fair question, Llew. He didn't need to jump down your throat like that.”

“Yes, he did.” She stepped free of his grip to fling out her own bedroll.

“It wasn't just her,” Alvaro said. “And it didn't stop when he was married, either. She knew. Everyone knows.”

Llew spun round to face him, brows drawn in and her lips pressed tight.

Keeping his voice low so only Llew could hear him, Alvaro continued. “You think Aris would waste his chance of greater numbers of Syakara in the future on one Syakaran woman? Every one of Jonas's children is Karan at the least, with the small chance that some of them might be just like him.”

Children. Llew swallowed. Her mouth was dry. Aris and Jonas had been denouncing Turhmos for its Aenuk breeding programs while they were off practicing the same. It shouldn't have mattered. He was just a man. He was never going to be around forever anyway. It shouldn't matter.

“Well, good for them. It's nice to have a purpose in life.” She pushed past him. She should have been climbing into her bedroll, but she couldn't with him standing there, waiting for her to cry into his shoulder. She treated her horse to a well-deserved massage instead.

Later, Llew lay on her back, fingers linked behind her head, staring up at the black sky with its millions of silver sparks. The night was freezing again. On top of whatever was going on with Jonas, she had a lot of thinking to do. She had died several times in the last couple of weeks. It was odd to think on it so calmly, but she had to. She was Syaenuk. She could heal. But she could also kill. That was the part she didn't like, especially as she had no control over it. What if next time she killed someone she loved? What if she killed Jonas? He was the closest she'd had to a real friend since Kynas, even if he was tempted to kill her any time she put a foot wrong. Then again, Kynas had sent her to the hangman... What if she killed Anya? Perhaps she should ask Jonas to stick his knife in her – it would be better for everyone. But she had dreams of a future. She wanted to live. She wanted to make a regular living, live among regular people, live a regular life.

She looked over at Jonas's empty bedroll. So, he'd been cheating on his wife while still proclaiming to love her. It was, as Aris would no doubt argue, for the greater good, since Quaver needed soldiers like Jonas when Turhmos fought with soldiers like Llew.

Frustration drove her from her bedroll, and she went to find Jonas, fully prepared for him to not want to talk to her, but needing the company.

She stepped through and around damp ferns. Tree roots broke the ground, providing unsteady footing, and here and there were scattered rocks of various sizes, mostly gray and pock-marked, some black and shiny. Just as her pa had taught her, the vast majority of the rocks littering the Aghacian countryside were of volcanic origin, most likely from the mountains that formed the back-bone of the country. So, what if he hadn't been much of one for talking about people. In Llew's experience, people weren't as reliable as geology. And fish. You could count on fish.

She found Jonas leaning against a tree near the edge of the forest cover and positioned herself against a neighboring tree and stared into the dark. There was little to see.

They stood in silence for a time. Even the forest around them was silent for a few minutes after Llew's arrival, but soon tiny critters resumed skittering through the undergrowth and night birds flapped overhead, rustling the canopies as they sought their perches. Llew wondered if the birds, or any of the forest animals for that matter, took much interest in the intruding humans... or whatever they were. She looked across at Jonas, barely visible in the night. What was he? A Syakaran? Some sort of superman. And she a Syaenuk. Some sort of healer. But a killer, too. She wouldn't, couldn't, forget that.

She thought he spoke.

“What?”

“Her name was Kierra.”

Llew took a moment to realize who he meant. She didn't know what to say. What if he'd still loved her but Aris had insisted he spread himself around? No wonder he had been so quick to shut her down when she'd joked about going to Turhmos. He knew first hand what it was like to be valued for what he was over who he was. Still, if he was so strong, why did he have to do what Aris told him if he didn't want to?

Silence reigned once more.

“I didn't mean to... insult you. I'm sure you loved her.”

He didn't reply.

“Jonas?” she asked into the night.

“Hmm?”

She shaped the question, rolled it over, and tried to massage it into something easy to say. But there was no nice way to ask. “Would you kill me if I asked you to?”

Jonas was silent.

The scratch of stubbly chin on jacket collar reached Llew's ears before his voice emerged. “Would you ask me to?”

Llew released her breath. She didn't know what she had been holding it for. Had she thought he would say Yes and lunge at her right then and there? Had she thought he would say No, possibly meaning that he simply couldn't do it? Instead, he'd asked her a question, and one she couldn't answer.

“I don't know. I healed Cassidy. That's a good thing, right?”

“It was a great thing.”

“But that girl...”

“I know.”

It was another long while before Jonas spoke again.

“Llew, do you remember what you said before we left Osurnu, about never makin' the same mistake again?”

Llew nodded, then realized that he probably couldn't see it in the dark. “Yes.”

“We made a mistake. We won't make it again.”

Her tree was covered in moss and the cold dampness seeped through her jacket and shirt. She shivered as moisture spread across her back, and she wrapped her arms about herself and let her body try to warm itself with erratic muscle twitches.

Jonas pushed away from his tree and came to her.

“Here.” He guided an arm behind her, gently pushing her away from the tree, then slid in behind, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder. “Better?”

The knives in his leather vest dug into her back. At least she wasn't against the damp tree anymore and didn't have to grow tired free-standing. And he did create a warm patch against the side of her neck. That was enough. She nodded, his whiskers scratching her cheek.

In that moment she sensed he was a man with a greater capacity for love than she could ever have. Her parents had died, or simply abandoned her, and she had closed her heart to love. Jonas had also lost his parents – at least he knew they were dead – and his brother had grown up to be a monster, and yet...“You loved him, didn't you?”

“Who?”

Llew didn't push the matter. She'd been doing enough of that.

Jonas didn't return to camp when it was Llew's turn for watch and the two of them stood in silence for another couple of hours. It was comforting having the company, and much warmer.

She woke Cassidy for his watch, and Jonas was waiting by his bedroll when she came to climb into her own. Without a word, he invited her to join him. She didn't need to be asked twice: it was freezing, after all. Removing shoes and jackets they slid in close beside each other and she was soon fast asleep.

She was rudely awakened by a boot to the thigh.

“Get up,” Aris commanded.

Llew and Jonas untangled themselves from bedding and each other.

“I thought I told you—”

“We was just sharin' heat, Aris. It was nothin',” said Jonas.

“She can cuddle with Cassidy.”

“I'll do it,” Alvaro piped up from by the fire.

“There you go, Alvaro will have her.” Aris turned back to them with a satisfied smile, which vanished in an instant. “No more.” Aris waved a finger between them and went to turn away.

“Because I'm Aenuk, is that it?” She sensed the look Jonas gave her and it almost made her smile. She was standing up to his commanding officer, something he himself would probably never do. His respect for authority would make him a fine soldier, she was sure, but it would also mean a life of others making his decisions for him.

Aris turned back slowly. “What?”

“Is your problem that I am Aenuk, or that I'm not Karan?”

Aris pressed his lips together, and Llew knew then she was right. Jonas could sleep with whomever he, or Aris, chose. Just not her.

“Llew—” Jonas put a hand on her arm.

“Just do as I say. You and him. Will... not... happen,” Aris said, and turned away again.

Llew threw up her hands. “Well, that's just stupid,” she said at Aris's back. He either didn't hear her or chose to ignore her. Turning to Jonas, she said, “What if we were destined to fall in love—” Oops! “—or something?”

“The folk I love end up dead,” Jonas stated flatly, and low enough not to be overheard.

Llew gaped at him. She had meant it as a joke.

“In case you've forgotten, I can't die. Not permanently, anyway.”

“Yes, you can. And, in case you forgot, everyone I loved ended up with my blade through them.” His eyes blazed and his hand hovered by the handle at his hip. “I ain't about to go fallin' in love with some Aenuk street girl we met in Cheer. Best you get used to that idea.”

“That's fine. I wasn't looking for love. Whatever gave you that idea? You think that just 'cause I'm a girl and you're a big, strong, good-looking man, I'm going to trip all over myself trying to win your heart? What makes you think I even need a man? Even one as— like you. I can look after myself.”

They stood glaring at each other. Anya, Emylia, Cassidy, and Alvaro were watching intently, fully engrossed in the drama.

“So, you're just going to marry someone of Aris's choosing to make baby Syakarans?”

Jonas shook his head. It wasn't a denial; it was simply an end to the conversation.