Shon waved to the others as they passed him, making their way to the fortress while he went for the rain barrel and bench. It had been a particularly brutal practice. Going through each and every weapon they'd learned over four years, and all in platemail.
Gently falling snow dusted the thin ice coating the water. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Shon knew that it was too deep into spring for the snow to be normal. Even this far north. But perhaps he was just that tired because he hardly thought about it before breaking through the ice to splash the back of his neck and sigh in relief.
Ryuuko circled above and, folding its wings, dove into the water. Splashing Shon and causing freezing water to overflow before it resurfaced and took splashing flight again -raining more droplets over its human. Shon growled, swiping at the little dragon, turning to follow its flight down towards the bench.
A man sat there... He hadn't been there before.
The pseudodragon landed on the stranger's shoulder, nuzzling past his long white hair to rub his cheek with its own. Despite the white hair, the man looked young. He wore simple white clothes, like Master Veon-Zih, that glinted as he moved. Like metal. Not silver... Platinum...
There was a tug of longing in Shon's chest, and he felt himself take a half step closer before he caught himself and instead stepped back, shaking his head.
The man looked up and met Shon's blue eyes with a set the same shade. For lack of better words, Shon would have said the man's smile looked sad. But it was so much more than that.
"I'm sorry..." His voice was rich as freshly tilled soil in late spring and pulled at Shon again, filling his chest with a specific kind of warmth he'd only felt once before. Five years ago. At the divine compatibility test.
"I..." Shon started then stopped, looking down at his arms. His platemail had turned to scale mail. As he watched, the armor turned from silver-like steal to actual silver, and Shon's eyes widened. First in awe, then in horror, as it began to grow. Crawling down to his hands and fingers. Merging with his skin.
He fell back from the man and off of his bed.
Lathered in thick sweat, Shon struggled with his blankets, finally managing to throw them off and staring at his hands. Shaking, and normal.
Ryuuko twittered, flying circles around his room, and Shon ran his hand over his freshly cut hair, hearing again "I'm sorry..." and shuddering. He tried to stand only to slip back to the ground with a sound like breaking glass. His terror returned in full swing as he looked at his sword, its pommel clear as glass... As ice.
Shon tried to calm his breathing, needing to close his eyes to block the sight of the frost over his desk and clouding his window. He didn't know how long it took, but when he opened them again, his sword had turned translucent blue, and his floor was no longer frozen, merely damp.
Standing, Shon was glad his legs didn't shake. A dream... Just a dream... From nerves. He'd been having a lot of them in the last few weeks, and even Thom and Rerves had complained about nightmares a few times. It was normal. He remembered the nervous faces of the Squires before them. Had they had nightmares too? Probably.
Shon took another steadying breath and set about cleaning his room, making it immaculate before starting his simplest drills in the little space he had. Just like he had the morning of the divine compatibility test. That had been the first test, but this would be the last.
By the time he was done, Shon felt almost himself, still nervous, but no more than any other day in the week preceding this most important of days. He even almost donned his standard uniform before he remembered. Carefully folding the garments again Shon pulled out the pure white set for his vigil today.
As silently as he could, Shon made his way through the still-sleeping fortress, passing the mess hall and heading for the chapel. Rerves and Thom were already there, kneeling in prayer while the Cleric and some extra attending priests offered their blessings. Shon joined them, Ryuuko gliding soundlessly to perch itself on one of the pews as he bowed his head to the altar.
He felt the Cleric before him and didn't look up as the man reached for his head. He flinched, just a little, before pushing past the cold and resting his hand on Shon's head, offering an extended blessing as he had for the other two.
Shon heard the click of boots and felt the Major General round them to stand before the altar, turning a quick about-face to look them over. Shon looked up and Sir Selibra, chosen Paladin of Hengist, nodded first to them and then to the three open doors to the cells, "May Hengist be with you brave men. You have proven yourselves not only fully capable of serving him but fully willing in heart and soul, the rest is between you and Hengist..." he gestured for the rooms. As one, the Squires stood as he continued, "Bare your souls to him, gentlemen, hold nothing back, for he will see it even if you do."
Thom took one shaking breath, Rerves stiffened, Shon nodded, and all three moved for their cells. Ryuuko waited outside with a subdued whistle.
***
Squires and Paladin's alike strode the top of the wall around Hamerfoss as Lily crossed under its portcullis with a casual wave. The sun was already well risen, and she didn't slow as the first Paladin came to intercept her, "M'lady..." he stared, preparing to bar her way.
"Miss?" Master Daunas's voice called from the smithy door, and Lily ran right past the Paladin to wrap the Weaponmaster in a hug. He recovered from whatever shock the move might've caused quickly enough to pat her on the head, "What're you doing here, missy? I thought you were off galavanting around the kingdom with that lovely Monk woman?"
Daunas nodded over her head at the Paladin as Lily answered with what she thought should've been obvious, "I came to see the boys for their vigil."
Nangran stepped from the smithy, wiping his hands on his heavy leather apron, and grunted, "Already happenin'."
"They won't be out until tomorrow morning," Danaus explained.
Lily pouted but followed with a shrug and quick smile, "I can wait until then. Do I need to camp outside?"
Danaus laughed, "Nonsense! Come on, missy, Selibra will be glad to see you and the boys doubly so tomorrow." Lily beamed, skipping beside the Weaponmaster as he escorted her to the fortress and her waiting guest room.
She was allowed to drop off her belongings in her room before Danaus showed her to the Major General's office. He knocked politely but opened the door without receiving a reply. The Paladin stood behind his desk, head bowed at the small shrine to Hengist on his cabinets' uppermost shelves.
Selibra turned as the door closed again and blinked in surprise at Lily's smiling face, "Miss Lily... you...?"
"I came to see the boys after their vigil," she explained shortly.
Danaus chuckled, "Not boys anymore." but that just made her smile deepen. Tomorrow they would be Paladins. Tomorrow, they wouldn't be bound by the same rules as before...
Selibra looked her over with a critical eye, speaking slowly, "The actual ceremony isn't for another week or so after the vigil..."
Lily rolled her eyes, "Does that mean I do have to camp outside?" she asked.
Danaus laughed again, and Selibra looked between them, then sighed, a small smile lighting his ordinarily serious face, "No, miss Lily. Though we do ask that you keep yourself appropriately subdued. This is an intimately important time for them, and we all stand in solidarity with the solemnity of the event."
To his obvious surprise, Lily nodded, "I understand," she said clearly, "I won't do anything that might jeopardize their dreams."
That left little else for the Major General to say, so he merely nodded, "Very well. We'll see you at dinner then. And you'll be able to see our newest Paladins tomorrow at breakfast."
***
There is a particular type of clarity that comes with fasting and sensory deprivation. The cell where Shon spent his vigil had no windows and held only an altar to Hengist. His own sword acted as its centerpiece and a single candle lit it. All sound was blocked from the room, so even the hour bells couldn't be heard to tell how long he'd been there. He was left with only the altar and his own beating heart.
He prayed. Telling Hengist how much he wanted to serve. How it had been his dream ever since he'd been told it was possible eleven years ago. When he was only seven. He explained how hard he'd worked to prove himself, though he knew that Hengist already knew all of this. Eventually, Shon's mind went blank. He didn't know what else he was supposed to say...
He didn't know how long he sat in the near darkness, staring at the naked steel of his sword. But then he started to think about other things... Little details he'd thought he'd forgotten. How he would watch the other children in the church more often than play with them. How he'd beat Nadar in the tournament of Saint Bjarki and -later- how he'd stopped the boy from bullying him.
He flinched at that memory and more followed. His first sparring match with Rerves followed by the one with Zihler. He didn't feel regret at not holding back, so much as a mild pang that he hadn't been kinder to them afterward. But that opened the door to more memories. Every desire. Every mistake. And every shameful thought that had ever crossed his mind floated to the surface where he was forced to face them. Tying his stomach in knots. It was as if his soul were being cracked open, or flayed and stretched to dry like leather.
But those weren't the only things he saw. Shon also experienced all his hard work, his hours training and teaching, praying and meditating. Those memories brought a sense of pride that helped ease the pain of his shame.
He didn't know how long it took, but slowly Shon was left nearly empty, hollow, and centered, his very essence laid bare for Hengist to examine. Then Lily's face swam before his vision.
Her beaming smile and her soft one. Her eyes as she pulled him close. He knew he shouldn't have given in to temptation, but even now he couldn't bring himself to regret it. She was a dear friend to all who would know her and a potentially perfect partner. For him anyway. She had accepted him, wanted him... His heart eased at the thought of her. Of the time they'd spent together. Of all her letters in-between. And the time they would have in the future.
Her face faded, but he held on to the feeling of warmth it brought. A sweet balm to the pain of the cracks in his soul. He didn't know how long he sat after that. Exposed and empty, shamed, but also proud. He continued to stare at the glittering sword, and felt a different kind of warmth in his extremities.
Shon closed his eyes. The small room was full of it. A divine glow that pressed at his skin. It filled him slowly, and those same thoughts and memories seemed to play again, though faster and from further away. He had bared his true self to Hengist, and now he was no longer alone in the little room. He felt the light reach his heart and find it open, ready.
Shon spoke his Oath. That of protection and service to the people of the kingdom. To fight for those who couldn't. To sacrifice himself if necessary in their defense. The divine power flowed in, and he gasped, opening his eyes and finding his sword pommel clear as glass once again.
He didn't fully register it, so enamored by the feeling of the divine surrounding him. The warmth began to fade from his fingers and toes but not like it was fleeing, more like it was being pulled deeper into his heart. Soon his arms and legs were empty, then his head and pelvis. His heart beat steady and strong, the light glowing within until he could feel it only in his chest. Reaching for his soul. Acceptance and forgiveness nearly in his grasp.
Tears filled his eyes and flowed over his cheeks, and then... The warmth and light... flickered and died.
I'm sorry...
***
It was nearly midnight, but Major General Selibra sat awake in his office nonetheless. He felt it was his duty to stand his own vigil in solidarity with the Squires in the chapel below.
He nurtured the spark of divine Hengist in his heart and soul as he prayed for them. Usually, Selibra felt a growing tide of joy and pride on these nights, but tonight was different. There was an undercurrent he didn't quite understand. The joy was still there, and the pride in abundance, but something clouded it on the edges.
Not for the first time, Selibra lamented not being able to communicate directly with his god, not being able to hear his voice as the Chosen could. If he could, perhaps he could better decipher this lingering nervousness.
Selibra sighed and, using his many years of experience, tried to partition out the feelings. Realization hit like a splash of ice-water at the same time that a gentle knock sounded on his door.
Sir Selibra stood as the Cleric entered. Their eyes met, but neither knew what to say.
***
The ranking Paladin and Cleric of Hamerfoss returned to the chapel to find the attending priests all with their heads bowed, some with tear tracks down their cheeks. The little pseudodragon -a near-constant for the last two years- was nowhere to be seen, but that was the least of Selibra's worries as he approached the cells where the Squires stood in vigil.
Nothing in all the known world was more devastating to the soul than a failed vigil, and all those present knew it. And knew the inevitable future of the one who'd experienced it.
With a nod from the Cleric, Sir Selibra opened the door. A blast of frost hit him as if he'd dared step from the warmth of the fortress into a blizzard. It passed quickly, and in its wake sat a young man with hair the color of night without stars. His back to the altar. He lifted startlingly blue and bloodshot eyes up to Selibra's face, piercing his heart and making him flinch.
At the young man's single word, the Paladin could only close his eyes in pain.
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